Now before all you hardcore Prince fans start shrieking with indignation (and when I say shrieking, I suspect literally), I admit that Prince has written some good songs – unfortunately he has also produced a lot of very bad songs. This is often the problem with prolific songwriters, and Prince is so prolific that it actually seems to have stunted his growth. For every “Gett Off” and “Alphabet Street”, there’s a track like “God” or “Head” to counteract it. Have you actually heard “God”? Christ, I mistakenly watched “All Dogs Go To Heaven 2” a while ago, and I honestly couldn’t decide which was worse – and bear in mind that “Dogs 2” is a) about 30 times longer, and b) utterly, utterly shit. Now before all you hardcore Don Bluth fans start protesti – oh, there aren’t any.
But how does this, so much musical bumwad, correspond to Prince’s success rate with women, is what I can’t understand. The lyrics alone are hardly likely to win over even the more tolerant of dames; on “Just Another Lonely Christmas”, Prince sensitively informs his ladyfriend that he fancies her more than her sister - though as it sounds like she is dead (his girlfriend not the sister), perhaps this is not such an issue. Another particularly touching moment is in “I Love U In Me”, where Prince promises not to blow his beans too soon, only to explode as soon as she so much as breathes on it. As if this wasn’t bad enough, he delivers every single line in a whimpering falsetto, which combined with his ridiculous stage attire and labradoodle mullet, gives one the impression of being serenaded by a particularly horny Dogtanian.
It’s not exclusively the B-sides though; “Sign O’ The Times”, while being a good album on the whole, is let down by a few rubbish tracks. “Adore” and “It’s Gonna Be A Beautiful Night” are simply too long for a couple of not very interesting songs; but it is “If I Was Ur Girlfriend” that marks the real low-point. Again the music is unremarkable, but it is Prince’s pathetic pleading that is most embarrassing, as he employs perhaps the most flawed argument imaginable to try and get his end away:
“If I was your girlfriend would you let me undress you?”
Well no, because that would be weird, wouldn’t it? Seeing as I’m not a lesbian, and this isn’t “American Pie” 1, 2 or 3.
“If I was your girlfriend would you come to me when someone hurt you, even if that someone was me?”
Again no, because a) if you had hurt me you would be the last person I’d speak to, mainly as you’d probably just try and hump my leg or spike my drink again, and b) if you were my girlfriend we wouldn’t be dating, and so you wouldn’t have hurt me in the first place. We’re getting into the whole Terminator paradox thing here… Oh, that’s given you an idea for a song? When you’ve finished can I please not hear it? Thanks… Yeah, I think probably a B-side too.
The song eventually finishes with Prince screaming and whining like an over-indulged child because, quite inconsiderately, she won’t let him watch her taking her clothes off.
“Why not? If I was your girlfriend you would.”
Christ, I thought we’d covered this…
“I’d do it for you.”
I’ve no doubt you would, Prince.
“Now that I’m naked, what should I do?”
Why don’t you put your clothes back on, and your coat while you’re about it… Don’t worry, I’ll give you the money for a taxi.
“ For you naked I would dance a ballet, would that get you off?”
No. No it wouldn’t.
I mean, if Prince can afford to chuck away an entire album on account of so-called evil spirits, surely there’s room for a couple more duffers on the cutting room floor. I hear that Prince is due a hip replacement operation soon, having reduced it to biscuit crumbs after years of dancing in high heels; perhaps when the doctors rip it out they can give him a swift lobotomy while they’re about it, or as anyone else would call it, a vasectomy. What the… Get off, stop it Prince! That’s it, I’m getting the cat basket down from the loft – don’t hide behind the sofa!...
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