Multiple Pedal Reviews.

I have had a recent clear out of my overly large guitar pedal collection. The pedals below are lovely but space, mounting bills and not using them enough live meant they had to go.

The following have gone on through the power of Royal Mail else where in the country, however here are my thoughts;

Akai Professional E2 HEAD RUSH Pedal - great little delay or looping pedal.

You get a nice tap tempo digital delay it even has feedback trails so when
you turn it off things don't suddenly go deadly silent.
There is a tape style delay (modulated delay with 4 outputs, quadorophonic
sound!) that gives rise to lush King Tubbyisms.
The looping function is probably why most use the box, you get sound on
sound loops with ability to jump back to an original loop.
Its a real shame Akai didn't allow you to use the delay and loop at the
same time, but at the price of the box you can pick up two
for the same price as a Line 6 DD-4, and possibly add more flexability but
the DD-4 lovers may disagree...

Yamaha GEP50 Effect - the shoe gaze rack; aka SPX-90 with a different
badge.
This rack allows for a single studio quality effect to be used at any time,
whether it is a digital distortion, pitch shift,
compression, delay, or fabled reverse reflections.
The latter why this particular rack became popular, having been used on
MBV's Loveless for the dreamy effects.
The box has a loop function (for any other racks to go through it), an
on/off footswitch option, 50 presets and 50 user memories.
I think the compression, delay and reverse reflections are the only bits
that hold up after all this time to be fair as the other
effects could be found in any digital multi effect now. There is little
flexability to edit parameters once saved as you have to go
through a series of tables to edit them. However if you want a one effect
at a time box (that classic reverse reflections) then look
no further.

Alesis Multi FX Pedal - brilliant chip tunes box
This may look like a cheap tacky effect box but within the beast it has a
decimator and bit crusher effect with remote foot pedal
control. This box is very low fi, but then who needs a hi-fi bit crusher
live? Isn't the process of bit crushing essentially lofi?
If you want hifi use an effect on your laptop software. Why buy the WMD
Geiger Counter when you can have this?

GLX Noise Gate Pedal
Its a noise gate, it stops noise/hiss/whatever, right? Yes! It does this
but can be used as an auto volume control, e.g. the famous
Boss Slow Gate. The controls allow sounds to come in and out, allowing for
greater flexability and use out of this box.

Boss Super Octave OC-3 Pedal
Octave pedal that allows you to play chords and get a fat synthy bottom to
it, great if you don't have a bassist.
It picks up roots only and you'd better be in tune else the digital bass
goblin will eat you up but better than nothing.
I loved the fat bassists could use it to go even lower, or get a nasty
fuzz! People seem to ignore this box for bass fuzz, when I
plugged it in I loved it! Angry fuzz with the EQ set just right so you don't get a massive volume drop.

Rare Vintage Frontline Analog Delay Pedal
Nice little analog delay pedal, adds a bit of warmth to whatever you put
into it. Couldn't get the thing to self oscilate, boo :(
If you can pick one up cheap you can get a tape style warmth though. As
with most analog stuff you can't get it to respond to angry
fuzz.

BURFORD ELECTRONICS - UFO Repeater Tremolo Pedal
Nice little tremolo pedal, has LEDs to show the amount of Frequency and
Speed you've applied. You can get some good sounds out of
it. As with most analog stuff you can't get it to respond to angry fuzz.

Devi Ever ZG (zeitgeist Fuzz) Caustic Earth Shattering High Gain Mega pussy
Cat fuzz box.
Evil evil fuzz pedal, lots of bassy bottom. Seems to be monophonic (one
note at a time) and adds an octave up on these one notes.
Is very high, and responds sensibly is you turn your guitar volume down. It
has a very quick decay too that splutters and coughs
like a dying battery. If want a weird noise box or something to do strange
solos with you may like it.

Blackjack the Magic Detective Cat and the case of the Jade eyed Monkey.

5.58am The alarm clock switches on. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

“Meow!” yawns Blackjack as he rolls out of bed, crawls into the kitchen, before dunking his whole face into the sink and turning on the tap.

“Glug glug glug” supped Blackjack from the running tap.

These long nights on the Jamaican Dark Rum hit him harder each month but the Jamaicans knew how to make damn good rum, second to the Cuban stuff of course depending on who he was in company to at the time.

Water was very re-hydrating and fairly tasty, not as tasty as rum or the cat milk he had as a kitten but pretty good nonetheless.

He put on his brown trench coat with matching hat and strolled to the office. It was a still morning. The sky was grey currently but the rising sun would break that cloud, he was sure.

On arriving at the building where his office he noticed a pretty young thing stood outside. She was albino white with long fluffy hair and a pink bow. It had been a long time since he’d seen such a pretty she cat. In his line of work he didn’t get much of a chance to socialise or even hold a relationship together due to the nature of the business he was in. He sighed and ignored her and went back to the business of getting to his office where he could get into the thought process of the day ahead.

Blackjack entered the building said ‘meow’ to the receptionist who took calls for the offices in the building, walked the three flights of stairs and unlocked the door. He was a forgetful puss so always left the key under a Spider plant pot next to the door. Click.

All as was yesterday. Filing cabinet, desk, couple of chairs, a filter coffee machine and.….”Oh no not another bill?” he thought, it turned out he’d underpaid the electric last month. He tossed the bill on his desk, took off his overcoat and switched on the coffee machine. Coffee is the devil but its lovely to warm the brain he thought….

At that point the young thing from outside the building strolled in feebly.

“Mmmmmrrrr Blackjack?” she said.

“Yes, that’s correct. Take a seat. Would you like a coffee? How can I help?” he replied.

“Well you see Mr Blackjack my father went to the Amazon jungle several months ago and recently stopped returning correspondence to me, his daughter. He would never normally do that. I’m worried something awful has happened.” She answered before bursting into meowful cat cries.

“Right, jungle you say? First you need a strong sugary coffee. There there. I’m sure he’s fine.” He replied.

After a time had passed and she had licked at her creamy sweet coffee she explained she was Elise and the story of why her father Sir Raymond Catmus had gone to the Amazon jungle. In the deepest depths there was a ‘Temple of the Apes’ supposedly full of great magic and treasure. Although there were great riches there he had gone in search of the ‘Jade Monkey’ a monkey statue carved of such a high quality Jade stone that when brought near sickly people it could fully heal them.

Sir Catmus’ wife was incredibly sick and the best doctors of the land could not help. Finding this ‘Jade Monkey’ might be the last chance for her survival even if he died searching for it….

Blackjack would always agree to a case such as this on a moral ground, unfortunately he was not a cat who took money and apart from a plane fare to Brazil he would have charged his normal pittance rate. Elise, who had a kind heart and access to her fathers large bank account, could see this luckily. She offered five times his normal rate as she had foresight to realise this case would require more than Blackjack’s work. He bowed, thanked her for the advice and took the cash knowing she was right.

He noted all the detail she could give, took a photograph and contact telephone number for her residence before dashing outside, the airplane to Brazil was in half an hour….

On the way he went via a couple of acquaintance’s homes; Sergeant Harvey, an expert in cat warfare and Rose Seymour, an expert translator. Both of whom were happy to help an old friend with a great task such as this.

The three boarded the airplane for Brazil. The journey was a tiresome long one. The airplane eventually landed, the three collected their baggage and took a bus to the nearest town. There they found a Guide with a LandCat, 4x4 all terrain vehicle, who could take them to the last village in the Sir Catmus had sent correspondence from.

When the LandCat turned up the village was silent. The four got out. There was crying in one of the natives huts. They entered as the door was already open.

There was a cat on a reed bed with a horrible wound, two locals were attempting to nurse the cat. Rose Seymour was actively listening and said at this point;

“they say she has been wounded by the beast and the wound will not heal….”

“…until the beast has cleansed the reason why he has awoke!”

Sergeant Harvey replied “Golly, what kind of beast is this that has control of flesh?”

Rose Seymour answered “They just call him the beast.”

Concerned at this Blackjack asked the Guide to take them to the village Elder to speak.

There appeared to be animosity at outsiders on meeting the Elder. Blackjack seeing this, brought out a bottle of Cuban Rum and several Cuban Cigars, if you’re going to do introductions properly bring out the expensive stuff he thought.

The idea of these intrigued the Elder and came around to Blackjack’s way quickly.

Rose Seymour translated the Elder’s story of how the Sir Catmus had come and journeyed to the ‘Temple of the Apes’. The Elder and his Witch doctor had warned that although the ape leaders of the temple had all died out that there was a curse on the temple. If treasure was taken and not substituted the the Jade eyed Monkey would come back from the grave and wound or even kill anyone associated with the thieves!

Blackjack the asked the question “How did the Jade eyed Monkey die to begin with?”

The Elder replied with a word Rose could not translate, unfortunately.

With this information to hand the four headed to the LandCat. At this point the Guide said he would not drive any further and they would have to walk but could drive them back from this village on return, he would wait and they agreed.

The 3 walked towards the Ape Temple in the distance. It was extremely humid, which is not ideal if you’re a cat. However the 3 were brave, strong and journeyed on to the temple.

On reaching the temple they rested and talked about the plan to get the information they needed. After about half an hour there was a terrific rustle and a massive ape jumped down. Sergeant Harvey grabbed his rifle and attempted to aim for the ape, the ape’s bulky left arm hit the rifle out of his hand as quickly as a Pro Chinese Table Tennis Player can serve.

The three were frozen looking at the great ape’s eyes that were jade!

“You Three! You Three go now!” “Arhhhhhhhh” “You Three go now or a terrible price you pay!” With that the Jade eyed Ape jumped into nowhere….

There was further argument on whether they should go in but Blackjack convinced them, however they would have stick together.

They entered; the temple looked like an Inca build but the usual bloody sacrifice paintings were apes ruling the natives! It was a maze. Having done orienteering in Cat Army Sergeant Harvey went about directing them to the central chamber.

The central chamber was massive room full of all kinds of treasure. The gold and diamonds were like a drug. Blackjack noticed a red stain on some of the gold, he followed it to an alcove room. This led to a massacre proportion cat slaughter. The three found it hard to hold their normally strong stomachs with so many dead cats. There was no way to tell who most of them were due to the nature of the wounds. It was an extremely meowy time.

At the end of the alcove was another room with a green light, this could be were the ‘Jade Monkey’ was. Only Blackjack entered, he advised his friends at the first sign of danger escape. Blackjack entered slowly, he found a cat lying on the floor by the ‘Jade Monkey’. “Sir Catmus?!” he cried.

“Meoooooowwww!” Sir Catmus replied.

“I am Blackjack, I have been sent here to rescue you. Are you alright?”

“I am fine young one. The power of the ‘Jade Monkey’ has kept me in health. I am afraid now we have come here and ignored the curse we have re-ignited his curse.”

“Unfortunately you have Sir Catmus. Is there anyway to bring the Jade Monkey to your loved one and escape though?” Blackjack answered.

“I did extensive research before I came young one. We cannot kill the Jade eyed Ape who has arisen as the Jade Monkey statue power will also die. We can however replace it with alternative gifts. I do not have any on my person though as they were lost in the Amazon river. Do you?”

He took out his Grandcat’s Pocket Watch and said “This is all. If it means lives are saved the Ape can have it.” He left the Watch, took the Jade Monkey and the 4 left the temple.

About a mile away they could here the Jade eyed Monkey screaming as if his soul had been replaced by a time piece that could eventually die….

They reached the village and were happy to find the cat who was previously injured was now fine. The Guide was still there surprised they’d returned but had obviously stood by his promise and took them to the airport in knowledge of urgency of the mission.

The four returned safely home. Elise was happy to be reunited with Father and Mother who is now fully healed due to the ‘Jade Monkey’.

Although Jade Monkey was a powerful and great artifact Blackjack realised it could be used for evil, he also knew the Jade eyed Monkey needed to have it’s curse lifted and felt a return visit was in order.

Blackjack made a subsequent journey to the Amazon jungle to return the Jade eyed Ape his treasure and reclaim his Pocket Watch. Fini.

Continual Bristolian to English Introduction Program.

Addition of TO or DOWN to sentences.

“Where’s that TO me babber?” – Where is that, my child?

“Got me some Lambert’s DOWN shop Marm.” –

I picked up some Lambert Butler Cigrettes at the Corner Shop Mother.

Addition of -AL to nouns.

“Errr yeah me darling I got that Microwave Pizza down AsdaAL’s” –

I picked up the Microwavable Pizza you requested at Wall Mart Adsa my Dearest.

Gaddafi on Gaddafi.

Supernoise had a rare chance to speak to Gaddafi during the recent 1^st world bombings on his country, we met the man himself in a secret bunker under one of his many palaces…

Gaddafi how are you?

Arrghhhhh ahahahaha eeeee aghrrhrhh! The shit has hit the fan my brother. The peoples of Libya have gone fucking bonkers and don’t want a leader.

Do you know why?

Well to be fair friend I’ve not always been the best leader of the republic. I think that the 1^st world powers have landed on the Libyan stage of world domination Monopoly and decided that paying rent on a 2 hotels isn’t good enough. Paying locals to riot and bombing the crap out of the place with an F16 plane is far cheaper.

Do you feel sad that the people want you out of office?

Yes, slightly. Who is going to be the face of Libya again if I leave my job? Who will have first dibs on Miss World – Libya if I’m not in office? I may no longer get a new palace every six months, maybe one a year at most.

These are questions that constantly plague my mind friend.

Do you have any further career plans if you move out of office?

I may get my slaves to make the desert I own into a desert of sand castles. I think getting into your Guinness Book of Recordings would be a good next step on my CV.

Being a dictator you’ve got a bad name to live up to. How do you do this everyday?

Ah I like you! Oh hahaha, it is very hard. I find forcing people to do things beyond their normal capabilities is a good one. I have a whole department dedicated to thinking up awful dictatorial punishments one such recent one was walking backwards on a tight rope suspended over a bed of broken glass for not paying a parking fine. The usual ones go else, shooting, gassing, hanging….

Your adviser is rushing us out now but before we go, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

I thought Lockaby was a pretty bad ass effort on my part. If you can’t beat them blow the fuck out of them with a load of semtex, that’s my moto.

Thank you for your time Mr Gaddafi.

Top Lad.

Tits. Arse. Blondes. Birds. Football. Lager. Cider. Lager. Cider. (internal struggle) Lager! Lad! Welcome to the mindset of the lad.

In lad culture you’re nothing. You’re no one if you can’t drink, talk football like the vindaloo shits and pull an orange bird with pointy nipples that resemble Christ’s crufixed hands. Lad!

You are not a lad unless you adopt geeser speak, chat about booshing that bloke in the head with a glass the other day down at the pub for being an absolute fucking prick, shagging your mate’s bird in the very same pub toilets or shouting “Lad!” after every few coherent sentences made of a maximum of four words. Lad!

Few and far between you will find a rare specimen. The cultural lad, he likes long quiet walks on the beach, Picasso, Ballet, introverted moments to think about the Panda population in China…. *record screeching sound* The cultural lad doesn’t exist, the cultured lad loves Hard Fi, Oasis or that other new band that the lads like. Lad!

Toplad.org is an awful “Lad!” web site in the vain of a modern computerised Zoo or Nuts without the footballers with bent kneecaps or overphotoshopped ladies with oversized breast’s who have unfortunately probably had loans from such Lad! magazines to get silicon implants or perhaps feel their assets are the only their only asset in life and a meaningful and worthwhile job with any intellect they own is a wasted effort.

Toplad.org is a horrible forum where lads note a topic of the hour and other lads agree or disagree. You have anything from lads talking about army lads to lads who sleep with a mother and daughter within several hours. “Lad!”.

This has been a broadcast on behalf of Lad! education committee.

Vegans. What’s not wrong?

Pasty faced individuals who refuse to touch anything. Jes-louis! You rarely get anything more annoying than a Vegan going off on ‘one’.

Yep. That’s it, Vegan are everything that’s wrong with society.

Ok, let’s look at the facts…

Red meat in any quantity is a bad thing, science has proved bowel cancel, and a heap of other things are linked to red meat.

Death is not a good thing. Death is the most natural thing in the world but breeding hundreds of animals in mini Alcatraz’s before going to Mr Spinning Automated Meat Clever of Death to a conveyor belt that also does Tesco/ASDA/Sainsbo/wherever shrink wrapping ain’t a good thing.

Forcing a cow to be in constant after birth state, aka lactating through hormones and constant artificial insemination to keep them rearing new calfs to aid in additional income is not good.

Ok, what’s wrong? I agree with the old native Americans and their view towards the Buffalo. If you’re going to murder something thing (that’s what it is at the end of the day) the least you can do is use all of the animal. If you’ve got a cow you can use its skin for shoes, its meat for tasty goodness, innards for pies or cat meat, its tail for a good soup, its eyes for secondary school science classes, its bones for your dog or making into gelatin ummmm, Haribo!

Free range is certainly better, luckily it seems there is a bit more emphasis now on keeping animals in a happy lifestyle before they go to chicken/pig/….Heaven.

The idea of forced lactation is a horrible one, and it really isn’t right. There seems to be lots of propaganda around the health benefits of milk, it is a good substance being naturally developed to help Calves become big Cows . But there’s the problem right there, calves to cows. Breastmilk from Babies to Men and Women. We don’t breastfeed at 21 (I’d hope the majority of the population would stop around 20 years before that age!)

There’s a case that ‘skimming’ the fat, e.g. anything that’s not gold or silver top takes calcium levels down by halves. In which case eating most green vegetables will give you more Calcium.

Fair enough we’re not developed to handle dairy every meal time but we can digest the odd bits and piece like eggs.

Now eggs get shat out by a hen most days of the week unless shes bored or pregnant. I’d love love love love to hear the vegan argument against eggs.

Yes they have a high fat content, a high protein content, a high Omega 3 content, they get shat out anyway and will rot unless eaten, where’s the problem. Seriously? We need all these aspects of a diet to survive.

Omega 3, there’s another buzz word. So you get this amazing oil in fish, some other white meats, eggs, seeds, nuts and other birdfood.

I’m a purveyor of the old birdfood until I find Omega 3 from seeds and nuts can’t be digested if you have particulars in your body such as alcohol, high acid levels… rah rah. Time to cut out the drink in that case.

Stuff you might not know!

The powers that be filter wine and most commercial lagers through a substance that is basically fish guts.

Most cheese needs a component called rennet to set, which is formed from the lining of a cows stomach.

Milking cows don’t tend to get eaten, they tend to get milked as long as possible, e.g. until the flesh is too stringy to eat so either a natural death or the Haribo factory for your boney goodness.

There’s a few good things about the vegans we know for a fact…

That last steak in the reduced section of the supermarket wont get grabbed by a vegan…

the last pair of Dr Martins in the sale won’t get bought by a vegan.…

I can sit in a major chain coffee shop drinking those bloody tasty hot chocolates with the fake whipped cream and marshmallows in without fear of a vegan tea leafing it.

I can’t be sure about the following…

Your fellow Vegan might buy the last vinyl copy of 1000 Hurts under your nose.

This is because Shellac is naturally derived from bug shells, not from killing. Debate it next time you go to your local independent record shop. The fact that the vinyl isn’t made from Shellac and Albini has probably eaten every creature in the rainforest doesn’t count.

…I agree with the old native Americans and their view towards the Buffalo.

Additional Research Notes :

Linda McCartney was a hardcore vegetarian. She died of cancer. What does that say for you vegans? Animal products alone aren’t going to save you from the inevitable.

Chugging away...

Street and Phone based Charity Collectors.
Charity Muggers. Spoonerism : Chugger.

Walking down the street. That person has a nice smile. Are their eyes on yours? They're saying hello! What a nice change. How friendly!

Oh hang on there. Wait a minute, children in Ethiopia? Dogs in Spain? My bank card? I've been charity mugged.

Phone call? This time? Might be important. Security questions. Oh it is important. They sound really nice.

Wait a minute, children in Ethiopia? Dogs in Spain? My bank card? I've been charity mugged.

Oh I know your type. I used to share an office with the lot of you. You do one area in the morning as 'Greenpeace', lunchtime comes and you're changing into 'Shelter' mode. Really? Really? Do you really have a soul doing this? The moneys great though, I love using my looks, my charms, my lovely voice to manipulate others so I can get a little more of that commission pie...

CHINK CHINK CHINK goes my coins into your BACS transfer, CHINK CHINK CHINK goes the pick axe on the nice parts of your soul.

Where does your money go when a Chugger has wh*red at you enough to make you give over a monthly BACS?
It goes on commission, it goes on charity admin, it goes on management.
B*llsh*t if they tell you nothing goes on admin, they lie at African dictatorship governmental type proportions.
If it was admin free they simply pay a 'grant' to someone who does the work for free and that 'grant' has no admin associated.

The volunteers who do the work may not get paid but the manager’s definitely get some money. Around 5-12% is the expected admin cost on your Chugger cash. If you're paying £8 a month, £0.96 is going on the management fees if we're doing 12% admin. If threes commission involved for our Chugger at say 10% there's another £0.80 gone. £6.24 is going to our old pot bellied sick African child.

This means you're giving them £74.88 a year in good costs and £21.12 in admin costs. What can you do for £74.88 over the coarse of a

year? How many gallons of petrol in the Chugger Landrovers will £74.88 fuel? I reckon just under 15 gallons of petrol. How far is it from Chugger base camp to Village Middle of nowhere? Once they get to Nowhereville what are they going to do? They’ve spent your money on petrol. Radio crackles, Chugger #1 to Chugger #2 we need another victim, guerrilla clipboard tactics ahoy! Send the troops back into the streets and the cold calls…

Ok Chuggers get in more cash than the charity cases had before but it doesn’t change the fact that I f*cking hate our fellow souless Chuggers.