bikes and rock climbers...

…new bike? By Judge DAmNation.

Oh, have you bought a new bike? Great, what make is it? That really well-known purveyor of bikes everyone who knows anything about bikes says us good? That’s cool. Do you have a photo of it, or lots of pictures from different angles? Brilliant… You’ve got Spizz-Monkey 10k Shock Absorbers? Wow, cool. Do you have a reflective badge shaped like the Honey Monster, or those stupid clacky beads that go on the spokes? They come free in Sugar Puffs…

Hang on, what year is this? It’s not 1992 – you mean I’m a grown up, not a child, and subsequently I don’t give two shrieking fucks about your bike? That’s alright then – to be honest, even if I was bud I still wouldn’t be interested – whereas if you happen to own a Red Venom Spaceship from Manta Force I ight still be impressed…

So you have a bike, do you? Well congratulations, you are now officially a “Fucking Menace” (registered Trademark.)

Yeah, it does look like a lot of fun freewheeling down that hill, feet motionless on the pedals- I’ll be it’s even more of a treat for the snaking queue of cars tailgating you down that hill, foot hovering desperately over the brake to prevent momentum from dragging you under their wheels, a precaution I fail to the point of frankly.

Isn’t it annoying though, having to wait at traffic lights along with the other – oh wait, you’ve just sailed on through without stopping. Oh I see, you’re above the laws of the road because you’re an eco-warrior, saving the planet one little bell-tinkle at a time? ….

You just ride on the pavement. No, fair enough….

Yeah I know trucks and Hum-V’s are bad for the environment – they also look fucking cool, don’t they? You’re unlikely to see Christian Bale in the next Batman film, careering out of the Batcave on a stupid long handled contraption, before folding it up into a suitcase and going into his council meeting about new dustbins, still wearing his highlighter-pen yellow trousers like a dick, now are you?

And at least I can count on a Hum-V to stay in the fucking road, regardless of how many lanes it may take up – I’m not going to suddenly see one wobbling down the pavement towards me, chopping down pensioners in its wake with your stupid helmet-wearing face in an expressions of imbecile obliviousness.

Oh you don’t wear a helmet. I’m sure you’re keen to do your bit for good old Mother Earth, and save a few pennies against petrol or bus fare while you’re about it, but to be honest I care a bit less about your Carbon Footprint than I do about your handlebar currently impaling my pancreas. How much have you saved by the way? Make sure to bring it with you to court on Monday…

…some rocks? By Judge DAmNation.

Who’s that mate of yours, what’s he looking so smug about? Oh he does climbing does he? I’d love to see a Facebook App saying where he’s been….

“Mike has just been climbing on Some Rock that’s near a Bridge.”

Wow, I wish I could have been there. I might download that App myself…

“Judge DAmNation has just been climbing out of a Monumental Trough of Boredom.”

Hey, this is fun! Yes, I know he likes climbing. Why doesn’t he do it without a rope then? Well, it’s kind of pointless otherwise, isn’t it? People go rambling or walking in the mountains, but they don’t stablisers to their fucking legs do they?

“Judge DAmNation walked from Rusty Cattle Grid across a field to poky looking turnstile Cowpaths trodden in : 1. Human Fatalities : 6.”

I’m beginning to understand that “buzz” or “rush” you were talking about now.

Remind me again how you delete friends? No, I mean in real life, lol.