5 things that happened at ATP.

1 Whilst being stoned off my face and mid-taking a shit, someone kicked the door open to see me vomiting into their toilet, with my jeans around my ankles. When I encountered her later we pretended nothing had happened. It was horrible.
(Even so, I would still rather have seen this debacle than the one gig of theirs I went to - especially if he drowned in his own chunks for an encore...)
2 Not a good thing - sleeping with my ex-girlfriend who I had split up with a month ago, then went out with again 3 weeks later, then split up with again one week before this happened. Then I tried to get back with her the next day. Kind of ruined the festival...
(No, not a good thing - still, tell anyone and everyone about it anyway, including the millions of readers of this fanzine. Cocksucker.)
3 Discovering my ex-boss was a bit of a wanker. He met two girls and they invited him to their chalet. He then returned, angrily mumbling that ‘the least he expected was a fucking blowjob’. I avoided speaking to him for the remainder of the weekend.
(Yeah, what a complete cunt - he sounds like the sort of heartless prick who would sleep with his ex-girlfriend who he had split up with a month ago, then go out with again 3 weeks later, then split up with again one week before this happened.)
4 Watching my friend Pierre get his haircut by his friend (Andrew from Youthmovies) who was stupidly drunk. He grabbed his fringe and cut it from about 1cm away from his head then made awful progress with the rest. We said it looked good and ‘a bit Eastern European’. It was shit. Basically just shit.
(Considering how stupid their chosen hairstyles currently look, one can only imagine what kind of turmoil Andrew from Youthmovies must have inflicted on their spotty bonces - unless that is the haircut they're talking about. You have to give them credit for not beating about the bush when it comes to name-dropping though - most people would have chosen a decent band, or someone who was still actually relevant.)
5 Wrestling with my friend Tom in various places. Like at the bowling alley, where we somehow evaded the clutches of the security guards by running and jumping over nearby slot machines. We also wrestled in the chalet and upon knocking my friend’s White Russian over, started the biggest argument over a drink I’ve experi- enced....We’re all friends now though.
(Discuss the homoerotic undertones in the above passage - two gawky teenagers grappling with each other, resulting in the spilling of a milky liquid over the carpet. Also, experienced isn't hyphenated.)
About the band:
Ice, Sea, Dead People are three students who occasionally play a recognisable riff amongst some white noise and screeching. Their hobbies include wanking into the free posters in NME, getting their mums to iron their jeans, and buying signed photographs of Tony from Hollyoaks on eBay. Despite this, they are still preferable to Shield Your Ears.

Craig Sharp. Additional Critic by Judge DamnAtioN.