Judge DAmNation’s Guide to World Cup Success

• Hire a coach who barely speaks the language of the team – communication is overrated, and football after all is an international language. Like Esperanto, but with kicking and gouging.

• The best players are like action figures, and should be played with before the tournament until they wear out or their legs fall off. Buy cheaper knock-off versions from a car boot sale and take these along instead.

• The most important aspect of a team is character, so be sure to include two love-rats to make the other players feel more honourable. Find that homeless guy outside Dixon’s who looks a bit like Craig David and ask him if he wants to be in goal.

• Don’t work the players too hard in the early matches – they’ll need their energy for the important games later on. Allow them to wander around, take their time and get used to standing on grass; as long as they draw it should be alright.

• If any players start doing well, or look like they might score, take them off immediately. You don’t want to damage Rooney’s confidence as he hasn’t scored a goal for a while, and his ickle knee is hurting. Substitute these players for shithouses like Heskey and Wright-Philips to make him feel better. Rooney should be left on the pitch until he turns green or starts sprouting tubers.

• Tackling is ungentlemanly, thuggish and not at all English - this is the only reason European teams are so good at football. Simply wait for the other team to accidentally pass to you, or ask them politely if it isn’t your turn to have the ball for a bit.

• Xenophobic tirades against any other country are, on the other hand, thoroughly English and should be encouraged among the fans. This includes Scotland and Wales.

• Rooney needs about an hour in a hot oven, or ten minutes on each side in the microwave. If he still feels a bit crunchy in the middle pop him in for a couple more minutes, then sprinkle with grated cheese.

• Only play with any skill at all against the one fucking team I get allotted in the World Cup sweepstake, thus robbing me of my thirty-two quid prize money.

• When you finally get knocked out on penalties to Montevideo or the Isle of Wight, consider hiring Ross Kemp as manager for the 2014 World Cup, and replacing the team with the cast of Football Factory. Then smash up the place.